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Thursday, April 3, 2008

Woody Allen Quotes

  • You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
  • Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

  • Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

  • Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

  • When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

  • When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

  • What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

  • What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

  • Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

  • To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

  • Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

  • Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

  • There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

  • The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

  • The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

  • The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

  • Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

  • Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

  • Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

  • Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

  • Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

  • Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

  • On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

  • Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

  • My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

  • My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.

  • Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

  • Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

  • Marriage is the death of hope.

  • Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

  • Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

  • Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.

  • Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

  • Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

  • I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

  • It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

  • It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

  • It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

  • It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

  • In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

  • In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

  • In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

  • I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

  • I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

  • I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

  • I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

  • If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

  • If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

  • If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

  • If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

  • If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

  • I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

  • I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

  • I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

  • I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

  • I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

  • I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

  • I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

  • I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

  • I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

  • I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

  • I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

  • I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

  • I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

  • I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

  • I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

  • I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

  • I am two with nature.

  • I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

  • I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

  • His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

  • He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

  • Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

  • Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

  • Eighty percent of success is showing up.

  • Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

  • Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

  • Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

  • Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

  • As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

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