· A man is only as faithful as his options.
· A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
· Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
· Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
· Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.
· Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
· Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.
· Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
· George Bush hates midgets.
· Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
· I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
· I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
· I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
· Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
· School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.
· There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
· There are people who would like tog et rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.
· Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.
· Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?
· You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.